


My Depression

by Go_Go_Gadget_Fanfiction



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 19:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11880783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go_Go_Gadget_Fanfiction/pseuds/Go_Go_Gadget_Fanfiction





	My Depression

It started in my second year of middle school I think. I hadn’t noticed it because I had so many friends and everything was fine yet I started feeling different than normal. I had thought it was puberty at the time and it was so small at first that I could ignore it. It wasn’t until high school and things started going downhill that I realized something was wrong with me, yet I didn’t know what. I should probably explain here that when I was growing up I had never heard anyone in my family talk about problems. If something was wrong they would keep quiet about it so I thought sharing things that that was taboo. Now i’ve grown up and I still have that fear of nobody wanting to listen to my problems or even care about them, even if I didn’t have the fear I don’t quite know how to say what i’m feeling, that was also a taboo in my mind. So thinking this I never told anyone. People say high school is hell and I’d say they were right and i’ll explain why. Middle school I started with a group of about 7 friends and the first year of high school 3 left so we were left with a group of 4, it includes me so I guess it made 5. One of these friends decided they hated me in the beginning of the year, she used to be my best friend, yet stayed in the group for the first year. The second year they betrayed another of the group and also my new best friend, I had gotten close to them quick after that person started hating me, and that’s how our group became 3. It didn’t stay 3 for long because about a month after that the 3rd member decided to betray me and cozy up with the one that hated me. During the first year I had made a friend in chorus class and since we only had 2 people left and I knew my best friend would like her I introduced them. Things started going back uphill for a while. Then my cousin who had moved when we were younger and were close decided to move back. Our group became 4 and I thought I could finally be happy again. In my third year We added a few more people to our group of girls, 3 boys, one of which was my best friend’s new boyfriend. Before I forget to mention, throughout high school I had an on again off again boyfriend, one of those guys who have dated everyone and had sex with as many girls as he could in the school before you and would break up with you 2 weeks in the relationship, go to another girl, then back to you just because you wouldn’t sleep with him and had to try again. I had thought I liked him but now I realized that I needed someone to make me feel like I mattered to someone and learning that made me hate myself even more. Nothing bad happened my third year so i’ll spare you the details. The last year of high school was the worst. Two of the boys graduated, one who was my best friend’s boyfriend, and my friend from chorus, she would visit occasionally and it was so fun. Though it went wrong after she got too busy to visit anymore, about the second half of the year. My cousin and best friend decided I wasn’t good enough to be in their group anymore. So me and a friend, that wasn’t in the group and haven’t mentioned before, started skipping most of our classes together. She introduced me to the world of weed and cigarettes. Though my parents smoked cigarettes I had never tried them. While skipping class we went to a few spots and smoked both. After she needed to go to class to graduate I had to leave the school. She had a group at lunch that I didn’t want to intrude on and the on off boyfriend got expelled for molesting the girls in the school. I had to leave school because I couldn’t stand the rest of the school year being alone all day. I know this makes me weak but i’d break down every morning before school not able to handle the day and begged my parents to not make me go to school anymore. That took a few weeks to do so while I had to go to school I was surrounded by so many people having fun and laughing while I sat alone with headphones on. Music helped me but since I couldn’t listen to it during class it couldn’t help me then. Being alone like that I found I had not only depression, which was found out and after my parents seeing something different with me was prescribed anti-depressants in my second year, but anxiety as well. I couldn’t handle the classes and the stress of having nobody to talk to. The depression itself I can explain next. My sleeping schedule is horrible, I feel tired all the time. I don’t sleep enough, too much, or the perfect amount and no matter what i’m still so tired. Sometimes I could get out of bed feel fine and dandy and not tired and it was a miracle, yet others I struggled to get up, those are the days i’m still tired no matter what. Some days I just had a sudden calmness, nothing could make me sad and yet nothing could make me happy. I had tested this and it scared me. I took a video that I loved and would make me unable to stop laughing and watched it on one of those days. I couldn’t even smile. The next good day I watched it and it was the same as my very first time watching it, I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. The days are like a roller coaster, one day I laugh at just about anything, the next I can’t stop crying and I can’t come down stairs because I can’t let my family see me cry, the day after that I just have that calmness, another anything can set me off and I get so mad I can’t stop myself. I don’t know what days will be what, they mix and match and sometimes it’s two of them at once. I could also have three days of happiness and then the next is extreme anger at everything. The necessities of living become a chore to do. Needing water becomes one sip if my throat hurts too much to breath or swallow. Eating is nothing or everything I can get my hands, it even sometimes depends on if I have enough energy to get up and feed myself. My parents get worried and I told them something small. I had asked them to get me a quick snack while they were up because I was hungry from not eating the day before and half of that day, I hadn’t told them I didn’t eat and they thought I had my meals, my reasoning was I was too tired to get up and while they did what I asked I also got a lecture on how young I am and need to get up and do things like that myself. While I understand what their saying and the knowledge that they have no idea what i’m going through is running through my head it hurt. I’ve had four therapists so far, the first was the school one, She was amazing and I loved her but before I got too far in telling them about my ex friends she got fired and was replaced by the second one, who did not care one bit about anyone but herself. The third one I wasn’t ready to go to since she was the specialist, the type that doesn’t work at a school. The last one decided I was too much of a mess after a few times and I had only told her about my school problems. Before I left the third one there was an appointment where my mom came in. Again, she knew about the school part because it was the only thing I could tell anyone without going into detail about myself. That was the day I realized though she cares about me, so much so that she cried, I can’t tell her more because it will just cause her pain. Telling my dad ANYTHING just feels taboo because in his mind depression doesn’t exist. How could I tell them that everyday I think about dying or hurting myself? That sometimes at night I lay awake thinking how much better they’d be if I were dead or never born. That the only reason I haven’t commited suicide is because i’m too much of a COWARD to. That I KNOW what i’m thinking is so messed up and yet I can’t STOP. That I wish I could be a daughter that they could be proud of and not this DISGUSTING DISAPPOINTMENT. That I won’t kill myself because I know the’d HATE me because if the think how selfish suicide is and how that would make me selfish. That living is so HARD for me and how i’m so PATHETIC and that if I were to even scratch the surface of the thoughts in my head to someone they’d lock me up and throw away the key. They say the scars on your arm from yourself are there to show that you were strong enough to get past that point. When I look at mine I think that I should have done it where nobody could find them and when I see a razor I wish I could pick it up and continue, but I can’t because no matter how low I get I can’t break a promise. I know I still am at a really low point, that I still do these things because I can’t help it. I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and not think “I look horrible, i’m too fat, not pretty enough, my nose is too big, my eyebrows are too weird, my stretch marks are ugly” I want the day that when I look in that mirror I can mean it when I say “I like myself”.

 

I know there is more that I haven’t said but this is all I can get out. I’m posting this not because I want comments, but because I want you to know that you are not alone. I know it’s hard to accept that, heck I still don’t. I want those of you out there that are reading and thinking “I don’t want to live” to do something you love right now, find someone to be with, you don’t have to tell them why just be in the same room, find some random video on youtube you’ve never seen before and just watch them until you smile. You don’t have to do this but at times like those no matter how long it takes you will feel better, if only for a little while.


End file.
